The thing is that the behavior is so bizarre in so many ways. One minute he’s fine and the next he’s melting. One second you’re praising him for his positive behavior, and the next you’re pulling walking away from a tantrum. He is so convinced that he’s going to be wronged by some one or something, that he’ll act out before the offense occurs. But that is the reaction of a child who has constantly been hurt. And as I was reminded today, we haven’t been around all that long. Two years is nothing when you look at trying to repair the bridges of his mind and heart that were never built in early development. And that’s what we’re doing. What is terrifying is knowing that we may not ever be able to fully build the structures that were missed or formed on faulty foundation. I don’t know if the entirety of what we’re working with is genetic or a lack of attention when it was needed.
I just want him to be happy, and some times he is. When he is, those bright blue eyes shine and his cheeks are rosy red. He’s got a laugh that makes the world smile. But those glimpses of the boy who he could be, the boy who he was meant to be, get lost in the fear of the boy he struggles not to be. And it breaks my heart. It kills me when he says that the kids at school were unkind, because it often falls back to his behaviors towards them. Or when he gets in trouble on the bus or playground because he’s with older boys who tell him to do things and he so desperately wants to be liked, he’s an easy mark. Yet he is so incredibly genuine.
I’ve looked into so many different things to make his life easier, happier, and so often I am at a loss (as is his kindergarten teacher). So I pray. And I pray. And I pray. Please God, give him peace. Please God, give him strength. Please God, let him know that he is love. Please God, let him feel safe. Please God, let him know that we will never leave. Please God….just please. I am not an architect. I can’t rebuild what was placed on sand, but I know that God can. So I put my faith in him, and my little boy in His capable hands. And I pray.
So if you have a minute, and you wouldn’t mind sending a word upstairs for us, keep my little man in your thoughts.