I jumped on a Twitter feed yesterday with a couple of my fellow infertility girls, and they were talking about choosing to stop trying. Ufda. That’s a big decision. It’s a choice that doesn’t come lightly and it carries implications far beyond just a simple yes or no. It is a promise, to yourself and to the world that you’re no longer going to try and join the ranks of motherhood through the “natural” paths. It’s a statement, and to some, it seems like a statement of failure. Failure of your body. Failure to continue trying to bear a child. Giving up on the oh-so-many pokes, prods, procedures and “scoot down just a little lower, please”.
I know that when I was in the midst of battling, trying to decide if I was really going to take the next step, really going to throw in the towel and not put my heart and body through any more, I was worried people would think I had given up. That they would look at me and see a big “F” on my chest, for failure. I battled back and forth, oh so much. But when it really came down to it, I realized that it doesn’t matter what those people think, because they haven’t walked in my shoes. And even more, it’s okay to set a boundary and say enough is enough. Just because I wasn’t willing to continue the experiment on my body called fertility treatments didn’t make me any less of a fighter. Just because I made the choice to no longer actively choose to try and get pregnant didn’t make me a failure.
Because here’s the deal: I didn’t give in to infertility. It didn’t beat me. And I’m not a failure for choosing to stop. For me it wasn’t about giving up, it was about choosing peace. My body and heart had waged war against each other for long enough, and it was time to call a trues. And that’s okay. It will always be okay that I didn’t want to go any farther. It will always be okay if you don’t want to go any farther. Because the real battle has already been won: you are beautiful, you are strong, you are courageous. You are not a failure for choosing to stop trying to conceive. Sweet sister, you are choosing peace, and that is a far braver choice to make than you think.
I would love to share my whole story with you. If you would like to read more, No Maybe Baby can be ordered directly from my publisher. My hope is to spread awareness about infertility and build hope among our warriors.
p.s. Photo courtesy of Bonfire Health