I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions. I never have been. I usually forget about making them until after the first and then it seems sort of pointless. Then if I do make them, I typically don’t really follow them. I don’t like it when people tell me what to do-myself included. 😉 I know I need to be healthier, I don’t need a new year to tell me that or spur me to start it, the half marathon I want to run in May is enough to get me terrified about getting in better shape again.
Then there’s the OneWord365 challenge. I jumped on this last year and though I tried, I feel like I kind of sucked at it. But I really like the idea of it. One word, just one to sum up what you want your year to look like. I watched my friends pick words and refine them through out the year and was humbled by their process. I felt sort of in a slump about mine. The more I tried, the worse I felt like a did. Perhaps it was my own perceptions, or perhaps I really was just failing. *shoulder shrug* I’m not sure. But it is what it is and this is a new year, right?
But still, I wasn’t going to do it. I’ve been struggling to find balance here lately. Between the move and new schools and a new job, life has felt kind of chaotic. I’ve been able to work from home more, which is amazing, but that comes with challenges all of its own. So I wasn’t going to do it this year: no resolutions, no one word. No pushing like crazy on this little piece of the world where my words ebb and flow. I want this year to be calmer. I want this year to be a more of a reflection and less of a comparison. I want more peace.
You know what they say-if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
So here’s the thing (problem?). There’s been this word floating through my mind the last few weeks. When I was deciding whether or not to do the One Word challenge. I brushed it off, telling myself that 2015 wasn’t going to be THAT year. But it keeps coming back. And honestly, it’s scaring me a bit.
The last few months seem to have been full of sorrow in various places and lives of those I love. Looking back over 2014 all that seems to stand out are the blaring areas of inadequacy, pain and heartbreak. My friend laid her baby to rest. Our nation has been torn apart and I’ve seen my friends at each other’s throats. The innocent and the guilty have lost their lives and the wounded have become broken. My filter for this past year is clouded with the destruction of the past few months. And this one word keeps coming back to me.
I’ve seen God work in the past. I’ve felt him in my own life and watched his hand in the lives of others. I know that often the greatest lessons come from the biggest heartbreaks. I’ve learned to stop praying for patience because he builds it through trials. I’ve prayed for peace instead. So this word scares me a bit. It calls out a rendering of me and a the touch of the refiner’s fire. To submit to it and all it asks means to put aside so much of myself in response to his call. Because I already really try to do this anyway. But I feel like this year, there will be more.
The word, the one that keeps pulling me in a somersault of emotions is Faithful.
Faithful myself-trusting. Believing. Knowing that he will meet the needs and is ever present in this world that feels like it’s falling apart. Allowing myself to give over fully when he calls. But even more so, I feel like this is not so much about my actions, but about his. That he’s asking me to remember that he will be faithful, so much more than I am. That no matter what happens in this year or in this world, he is faithful and it all ends in his glory.
That’s what scares me. I’ve learned about patience the hard way. I’m terrified to embrace this aspect of faithfulness. I’ve been watching those I love struggle through the most difficult situations and seen the beauty of their faith emerge. It is a humbling thing to watch.
In the end, it is all the same. He is faithful. Always faithful. Through the times of lean and the times of plenty. Through the joy and through the sorrow. He is faithful. And he’s asking me to trust that, no matter what.
I didn’t chose one word for 2015. It chose me. Now all that is left is to take that step. He’s called me out on the water. He will not let me sink.