I haven’t been in this place in ages-even longer in the name of Five Minute Friday. But when the link popped up on my feed and I saw the word, I felt it tug at my heart.
Thoughts of bricks and foundations flooded my mind. But the phrase that kept circling was this: how can you build when you are broken?
I went to church tonight. Our church has two main services, one on Sunday and one on Thursday but each are lead by a different pastor. Thursday is Kyle and oh my lord-Kyle can bring it. He fills the brick walled coffee shop church with the word and the atmosphere is thick with the spirit. Tonight you could feel it. The presence of the Holy One. The flesh on my arms rose in bumps as we sang out, our voices lifted to high with the acoustics of the old building bringing a sound like none other.
I went to get filled.
I am a single mom this summer, my husband is working out of state and only home for hours on the weekend. It is a job in which I do not excel and each passing day makes the light at the end of the tunnel seem farther away. We do not have a picture-perfect family. My children come from heartache and the luggage they carry is heavy and burdensome. I can guarantee that the majority of parents would never think of calling the police because of their elementary school child’s actions. I call for their safety.
People like to commend you when you adopt from foster care. They like to tell you what an amazing person you are, but those words fall on deaf ears when you’re in survival mode. People like to talk, but they don’t like to help. It’s safer that way. I get it. I understand. I think the phrase “The people who need the most love are often the hardest to love” was coined as a reminder for me. And the children see it. They recognize not getting invited to the sleepovers. They know that their lives are not the same as their friends. And I know that my job is to build them up.
But how do you build when you are broken? When you feel so constantly raged against that every fiber of you is worn thin and ragged. When your spirit feels like a ragged edge and it’s all you can do to take a steady breath and beg them to please just give you a moment of peace.
How do you build when you feel torn down? When the words from others are there but the actions are lacking. When each breath feels like it’s pressed in against you and that you’re drowning. How do you fill the cup of the empty when your own cup feels shattered? When you feel like you shouldn’t even write this or push publish because then others will only nod in sympathy and then step back, like this life you’re trying to survive may be contagious.
How do you build when you just want to lay down and cry it all away.
We’re going over the 23rd Psalm in church. The verse tonight was “He leads me beside still waters.” The next line is “He restores my soul’. Tonight I am thirsty. I am dehydrated. I am longing for the stillness of the Father and the restoration of the living water. Because tomorrow I will rise and take on this role of motherhood again. Tomorrow I will be asked to build once more. Tonight I try to mend the pieces.
As I left the service, toting with me all the people, a gentleman near the back noted the small one holding my hand and told me “Good job, mama.” Three words that made me quickly shuffle through the door lest he see my tears. It does not feel like a good job. It feels broken, in need of mending. But the hope is here, it is present. It will lead me beside still waters, where my thirst can be quenched.
Join us over at Kate’s for more Five Minute Friday.