I woke up thinking about adoption. It’s funny, lately I’ve been dreaming about it, the topic heavy on my heart and intersecting all that I do. A few weeks ago, China adoptions were all I heard and read about one day. It was like at every turn I made, there it was, orphanages and children needing families in the Far East. Then I dreamed about Haiti. About a boy who was nine, who had a mother who couldn’t care for him so I boarded a plane and brought him home, my dream self weighing the pros and cons of having another nine year old in our home. Then it was a dream about a baby-an emergency placement needed, a whirl-wind home study to complete.

The funny thing is that we’re not actively thinking of adopting again. Our home is full and honestly I think we have a little PTSD from some of the trauma we’ve worked through with our kids. We don’t want to muddle through parenthood1044671_10200984270722309_1175040746_n on survival mode any more. Finally it seems we may be in a place (knock on wood) where our family is finding Shalom and our kids can flourish. We pray we are breaking the cycle that they are genetically tied to. A cycle that has been in the works for generation upon generation. One that is full of heartache and soul wrenching pain.

As such, this quote has always nailed adoption for me. We talk openly about adoption in our home, because how could we not? It is what made us a family. It is what made me a mother. But it is a bittersweet thing. A reminder of a world that has fallen and even as I love my children I know that there is another who loves them too-and I can never take her place. And I know that my children, deep down, will always love her too.

My heart aches for them in this space. The wanderings of their mind that sometimes find words in the car or at the dinner table. The why that I carefully try to answer-holding their fragile hearts and hers in my words. Trying to explain the cycles of trauma that lead to where they all are now. I don’t want to tarnish their love for their birth families. I want to always recognize their immense loss and help love them through the grieving. It is an honor to be called Mom. And it is a calling I don’t take lightly.

I don’t know if another adoption is on the docket for us in this life. Even with all the dreams and coincidences, I don’t think it is. But I do know that it will always be a part of me, of who I am and how my family became a family. The magnitude of all this will never be lost on me.

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